.. why its called Love "Sick", cos it makes you ache and feel yuckity.

Can't be good when I'm going between :-) and :-( in the same 24 hours, suppose its what happens when you left yourself do what u promised yourself not to...

need someone to look into the future for me please xxxx

So- I found out on wednesday i'm gonna be made redundant... I feel like s**t! Ive been in my job for nearly 4 years and I love it... this is just crap... not even thinking about what I'm gonna do for money... just complete and utter MEH!

Dave.. cos that's an amazing name!

I went to the Panto @ Birmingham Hippodrome last night where John Barrowman stars..... It was soo amazing! I went with my Mum and we loved it that much we have booked to go on Saturday and to take my nephew..

i've not been able to conentrate on anything else all day lol...

Maybe have to book again after seeing the performance tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Getting through a day…

So right. I sit here, its 13.46 pm, Tuesday the 20th November and I’m at work :-D.

I watch my inbox, process my orders, answer the phone, I mean its pretty damn exciting stuff! Then, I’ll just happen to open Internet Explorer, before I know what I’ve done I’ve logged onto Livejournal and away I go. I’m in the other world I live in, watching for updates of these wonderful stories that I really can’t get enough off. I notice a new thread has been opened up, the title comes out of the page… heart is thumping ‘Is it one of these many gorgeous stories I’ve found myself totally engrossed in?’ No matter what I’m doing, I have to read that chapter there and then. Lapping it up.

It’s like a secret I daren’t tell anyone! I LOVE BBM fic, whether it be all about the sex between our boys, or just the way their personalities are brought to life on the computer screen. I mean some of you writers- you deserve some credit for the amazing stories you are creating, little worlds where the reader is pulled in and you actually feel as though YOU ARE in the kitchen watching Ennis and Jack eat their breakfast.

I never thought I’d rely on a little fan fiction to get me through the day, but I mean, I think this fandom, this place where we are residing is a little more than just fan fiction, it’s a place to escape, where your ideals for a variety of things can, and will, be brought to life. It’s a perfect place for everyone to “put right” what they need to in order to sleep at night, (a chance our boys never had!) Perfect scenes of happiness can be played out because that’s how we wanted, and needed, it to be. I say need because, well, we all decided to google a Brokeback Mountain “Happy ending.” We all decided we wanted to be taken to a place where happiness was not only an idea, it was a place, firm in the ground, an actual place you could reach out and touch.

When you think of all those words that have been written, all in different contexts, all with different endings, from dead!Jack to “that sweet life” to AU!AU. Written for one purpose and one purpose only, to silence that nagging in our head that shouted to us, after the original story had finished, “THAT CAN’T BE IT!” This place we have here, it’s pretty amazing.

So, I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart.

Bex3114 

Title: As the Heart Beats
Rating: G ?
Pairing: J/E
Summary: Trying to latch onto how someone controls his innermost thoughts.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. (much as I wish I did)


“As the Heart Beats”

He sits by the window, his mind as wandered. One thought repeating in his head “Four years, four years” it overlaps with the sounds from the apartment. He can hear Alma’s voice, speaking at him he looks at her.

“Is it about the girls?”

No.

He grunts at her, doesn’t much care what she as to say.

Back to thoughts of Jack, he closes his eyes, he’s back on Brokeback Mountain, a harmonica is playing, then back down to earth he comes, and he can see an angel standing beneath him, Jack’s here.

He’s ecstatic.

His heart is finally home.

I don't know what this is really, a short, one shot. Trying to get back in the mood of writing some beloved BBM fic :-D...

I don't own these characters, I wish I did. I love playing with them though.


“Dead By Four”

“Get yer ass outta that bed an’ come help me!” Ennis’ voice drifted up the stairs, Jack turned, under the bed sheets and closed his eyes again. “Jack! It’s time to get up bud!”
His voice was closer now; Jack pulled the sheet over his face and chuckled to himself.

Footsteps approached the bed. Like lightening the covers were pulled back, exposing Jack to the harsh light shining through the window.

“Cum on now Jack, I know yer awake!” he leant down, whispering into lovers ear. Before he could catch his next breath he was been pulled onto the bed, trapped by muscular thighs either side of his body, his arms were caught above his head, a vice like grip keeping them at bay.

“Kiss me,”

“Do you deserve it?”

“You know I do,” he leant in for a kiss, achieving nothing but a bite. “Play nice,”

“I wa’ dun playin for the mornin,”

“Never dun playin’, we could make love a million ways and I’d still demand more,”

“An’ I’d give in, giv’ ya just what ya wanted,”

“Cos you love me?”

“Jack,” his face turned beet red, his eyes closed and his lips found Jack’s. “You know it’s cos I love yer.”

“You kiss well, for an old man,” Jack commented and began laughing as he found himself been flipped over, Ennis looking down at him, their roles now reversed. “What’s this? Agility comes with age?” he laughed, nibbling at Ennis’ ear lobe. “You think we can go ‘til sunset?”

“At this rate, darlin, I’ll be dead by four.” Ennis murmured, losing himself in Jack, sending thanks up to whoever was listening, thanks for another day with Jack by his side.

So I woke up this morning to my neighbour ringing the doorbell. My car as been broken into the during the night.... theiving, nasty bastards :'(

**just thinking**

I love love love BBM fics, I really can't get enough..

That is all xxxx

Haven't updated in ages and thats naughty.


Been trying to do some writing but my head isnt up to it, I feel totally mentally exhausted. I was speaking to this guy on MSN for like 8 months and he just upped and disappeared on me about 2 months ago. We had a special connection, ys it sounds corny, there we have it¬

We were supposed to be meeting up and everything and I let myself trust him, and hes gone and done this, I feel like my hearts breaking into tiny pieces and everyone is telling me to just get on with it and I can't help but think about him, all the time.

He's in a wheelchair, my mum said maybe he got scared that I wouldn't wanna know him when we finally met, surely it would be my decision? He's 34 and I'm 23, my friend said maybe its cos of that age difference, again surely it should have been up to me?

Oh I dunno. I wish I could forget, hurtin like this is crap especially when noone understands, I honestly thought of him as my soulmate. He was sending me pressies through the post and soppy songs, tellin me I made him feel alive, up to the day he just stopped talking to me.....

Well, I'm gunna go, try and do some writing. Maybe it will come....I dunno...

Becks xxxxxxx

Title: A Life Worth Living
Pairing: Jack/Ennis (Who else)
Rating: I'm not sure how the ratings work! Shall we NC17 to be sure?!
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters (unfortunatly)...(though I do keep them captive in my own imagination to think up various situations I can put them in!) I do however own the ones you don't know...maybe you will grow to love them like I do! I make no money through this. Its for pure piece of mind only!
Summary: I'm starting sappy, there will be angst... probably..
Feedback: Please, although I'm scared of what you will say
Notes:This is my first attempt at starting, and continuing a story in this fandom. I think about the boys as much as my life will let me. I love all the stories posted here and I hope you will enjoy my own little take on That Sweet Life!


Jack & Ennis were sat on the back porch, the table between them held two bottles of beer and a pack of smokes. They had been sat like this since getting back from their walk earlier that day, Francine and Bobby had appeared home and disappeared again, with promises of been home in time for the barbecue that evening. Junior had been locked in the bathroom for the past hour, expecting Kurt to turn up at anytime she was determined to look her best.

“Kurt’ll be ‘ere soon,” Ennis said, looking at Jack, he grabbed the pack of cigarettes and pulled out 2, lighting one and passing it across the table.

“I know, I should get changed huh?” Jack looked down at himself, he wore a pair of jeans, belt undone and his shirt sat at the back of his chair, “it’s just so damn hot today,”

“Damn hot all the time bud,”

“Well I know *I* am,” Jack grinned, Ennis laughed, shaking his head. “Finish these beers and we’ll grab a shower before they all arrive,”

“You mean showers, you know if we shower together we don’t save no time,”

“You’re no fun,” Jack stood and pulled Ennis up with him, “come on cowboy,”

******************************************************************************************

“You’re kidding?” Kurt exclaimed, he jumped from his chair. Slinging his hand into Jack’s in a firm handshake.

“No,” Ennis said, “we aren’t kidding. You can get started as soon as you like, Ted & Lance will be on hand to help, keep their eye on you,”

“This means so much Daddy!” Junior was saying, placing herself in Ennis’ lap.

“We’ve been talking about it for sometime now, and we know to get into that posh college you are going to need the money, if you can help us clear the old barn out in the back field and we can get the whole place into some kind of workin field, there’s no reason why you can’t live on site to save yourself some money, and we’ll pay you for the commitment you will have to make,”

“I was wanting to leave in a years time,” Kurt said, “the money I can save by doing this aswell as workin in The Red Barn on a night means maybe I can just do that, you have no idea what this will mean to me,” he turned to Junior who still sat in her Daddy’s lap and she jumped up, wrapping her arms around him.

“Of course it means a lot of hard work, when we went back there today I didn’t realise how run down the whole place had become, the barn can be converted back to stables for horses Ennis has been looking at, and we are *hoping* tonight Pete will accept a job offer to run the riding school we were wanting to start up last year,”

“When were you thinking of telling me that you were expanding out?” Junior looked at Jack.

“You didn’t need to know darlin’, All you need to know now is the money is here for us to better the whole place, don’t tell your sister but we have finally agreed to take on Coldcreek Lodge as a separate house, to run a little B & B and the riding school.”

“I don’t understand, where did they money come from?”

“You remember Jack disappeared a few months ago? For a few days? Turns out an old uncle of his left him some money, we can afford to branch the business out, touch different area’s we never touched before. Buying the old lodge means we can have some stable money flowing in and we can afford to send you & Francine & Bobby to whatever college you want to go to. We didn’t want to tell you about til it was all good to go,”

“It seems too good to be true,” Kurt was shaking his head. “Surely this means much more publicity for you?”

Ennis nodded his head, “we talked about it lots. The opportunity is here and we are gunna have to take it with both hands. Will you sit down?” he looked at his daughter and Kurt. They both took their seats across from Ennis and Jack.

Jack clasped his hands together, “there is just some other things now. I know that you’re only 17 Junior and Kurt, you’re? 19?” Kurt nodded. “Ennis and me, we need you to be both grown up. Kurt we need to thank you for never questioning our relationship,”

“No thanks need sir,” Kurt said, “I came into this both eyes open, I knew from the start, it may not be something I was brought up to believe right sir, but, well..” he looked at Ennis. “Alma an’ me, we been together for a year near enough, I love your daughter sir. As far as I see I just know you’re her Daddy and she loves the both of you so very much. I hear things them guys from Burt’s garage say about the two of you and I don’t see things the way they see it.”

“That’s kind o’ you to say Kurt,” Jack said, he locked his hand in Ennis’ under the table. “With you livin’ ‘ere there are certain things that you will see, it took a long time for us to be who we are, we can never go back to the way things were,” Junior looked from Jack’s face to her Daddy’s.

“We’d never ask you to,” Junior said, Jack put his hand up to shush her.

“I know. We just need Kurt to be aware of what living here, as part of this family, entails. The filthy looks you can get when you go into town,” Jack spoke softly, Kurt & Junior nodding their heads.

“I understand, everything you are saying,” Kurt said. He smiled across at the men sat opposite him.

“The other thing,” Ennis mumbled at Jack. Jack looked at him and chuckled softly, before standing.

“Of course, we are asking you to stay here, at the ranch. Kurt we will give you the run of the conversion of the new barn down there, along with the rest of the hands. There’s running water and plenty of rooms. You won’t be in the house, you have to understand as much as the two of you are fond of each other, me and your Daddy can’t have you like “that”, you ain’t living together, you are much too young.”

“Jack!” Junior blushed.

“Don’t “Jack” me!” he scolded, “this is a big step for the two of you, if we all agree to this you are not to live in each other’s pockets, you have both got school work and commitments you can’t mess up.” he looked at the two of them.

“I need to know I can trust you, both.” Ennis spoke, looking at his daughter. “Can I?”

“Yes Daddy,” Junior almost whispered.

So I've been trying to keep up with my writing... RL sucks :(

I'm gonna try and get some done this week...I have a couple of chapters complete (in my head)! I need the time to sit and put them on the screen!

OOh Gotta go...Phones at work never stop nowadays :(

xxxx

Title: A Life Worth Living
Pairing: Jack/Ennis (Who else)
Rating: I'm not sure how the ratings work! Shall we NC17 to be sure?!
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters (unfortunatly)...(though I do keep them captive in my own imagination to think up various situations I can put them in!) I do however own the ones you don't know...maybe you will grow to love them like I do! I make no money through this. Its for pure piece of mind only!
Summary: I'm starting sappy, there will be angst... probably..
Feedback: Please, although I'm scared of what you will say
Notes:This is my first attempt at starting, and continuing a story in this fandom. I think about the boys as much as my life will let me. I love all the stories posted here and I hope you will enjoy my own little take on That Sweet Life!


Chapter Two- Cold Creek Lodge

Jack awoke the next morning to the sound of the shower running in the adjoining bathroom; he brought the covers over him some more and snuggled back down into the bed. The radio was playing quietly in the corner of the room and the smell of coffee crept under the door. He heard scrambling behind the door and then a knock followed.

“Daddy?” came Francine’s voice.

“Come in Francine!” Jack shouted, he sat up in bed, she pushed the door open, Bobby was behind her, and she carried a tray with 2 cups of coffee and the morning paper. “What’s this?” he asked.

“Thought you deserved a nice coffee and a lay in,” Francine said.

“Did you now?”

“Yup,” Bobby sat on the edge of the bed. “We were wondering if maybe we could take the horses out aswell.”

“Bribing us then?”

“Maybe a little!” Francine giggled; she set the tray down on the chest of drawers and picked up the picture frame that sat there. It was an old picture, maybe 4 years old; it showed Ennis and Jack, stood before the house, Ennis’ arm hung loosely around Jack’s shoulder; both looking directly into the camera. “This is my favorite picture,” she said.

“Mine too!” Jack laughed, “That was taken just before Junior moved in with us. I think we had just signed that new deal, we raked the money in that year, paid for Bobby’s school.”

“Who took the picture?” Francine asked.

“Ellie,” Jack said. “I think that was taken the day Ellie and Pete told us they were having a baby, hence the picture. Look at your Daddy, he looks so happy.”

“You both look happy drunk!” Bobby laughed, taking the picture from Francine. He bounced back on the bed. “Got a few more grey hairs Pop!” he laughed. “And rid of that silly moustache!”

“Oh ha ha! Now then, both of you scoot. If you take Skye and Star out please do not forget that Skye got spooked last time won’t you?”

“No course not,” Francine said. “We will probably go down to the lake, up near Coldcreek, maybe make some sandwiches before we go. Be back midday?”

“Ok, I’ll tell yer Daddy,” Jack said, “Where’s your sister?”

“She’s on the phone, to Kurt. Always on the phone to Kurt.” Bobby said. “I think I heard her say something about going into town.” He stood from the bed, both of them bidding goodbye as they left. With the door closed Jack swung his legs out of bed and pulled on a pair of boxer shorts from the drawer, he put the picture back in place and took a sip of the coffee that sat on the side. He then made his way into the bathroom. Ennis was stood, shaving.

“Bobby and Francine been and got us the paper, and made a pot of coffee.” He told Ennis, standing in front of him, blocking the view of the mirror. He took the razor from Ennis’ hand. “We have the day to ourselves, well morning at least.” Ennis nodded. Jack picked up the shaving where he had interrupted Ennis.

“Treating me like a baby?” Ennis laughed.

“Taking care of my man!” Jack scolded. He turned his attention to Ennis face, when he was finished he used the clean flannel to wipe the remaining shaving foam from his face. They kissed gently and Ennis left the bathroom, draping his towel, that he had hung around his waist, over the radiator and heading straight for the cup of coffee that stood waiting for him. Jack flicked the shower onto 'hot' and stood under the stream of water, eyes closed, letting the water run over him. he didn't have to open his eyes to feel the presence of Ennis in the shower with him.

"Let me take care of you now lil darling!" Ennis murmered into Jack's ear, kissing his neck.

*******************************************************************

Francine and Bobby had ridden the horses to Coldcreek lake, they had packed a small picnic and Bobby had packed a couple of towels. They had often found themselves ending up in the lake, many of the summers before this. Been the same age they had always got on well. When they had first met they had become firm friends, their friendship at first based on the strange circumstances they had found themselves in and not too long after realising how alike they were.

The lake sat alongside a small embankment, the horses were free to roam about. Francine and Bobby sat with their legs in the water. The day was warm again, though not has warm as the day before. They were sat in silence. Bobby looking out to the other side of the water, Francine following his gaze but in a world of her own. Neither were too sure of how long they sat like this. The world seeming a million miles away from them.

"You know when I go back home, I'm going to miss this place so much," Francine said, finally breaking the silence. She pulled her legs from the water, folding them underneath herself, Bobby looked at her. "i wish things were different, and it was like this all the time."

"And yer Mama?" Bobby asked, throwing a pebble into the water.

"She knows I love her, it's so hard though," Francine said. "I wish the school holidays would last a lifetime and no-one need ever part, ya know?" Bobby nodded, reassuring her that, yes, he knew what she meant. "Junior has had this life for as long as I remember, I get snippets of it. I know I'm the baby, I had to stay with my Mama. I was 10. Junior was, 12?" she looked at Bobby, who nodded. "She was 12 and told Daddy she wanted to live here with him. It was deceided. I'm not saying I wish she hadn't, that I wish it were me, but can you imagine how different ife would be?"

"We all wonder Bell," Bobby said, using the nickname he used for her. "I wonder what life would be like if Daddy hadn't took notice of me when I said I felt something wasn't right at school." he looked at her. "My Grandpa was non too pleased when he found out his darlin' Grandson was dyslexic! We live with what we got. Make the most of now!"

"Yer speak like my Daddy!" she told him. He raised his eyebrows, questioningly."To the point." she explained.

"Any use speaking any other way?" he asked, she shook her head. "If you ain't happy talk to my Dad and to Ennis, talk to yer Mama, see if anything can be done!"

Francine laughed at this. "Like what Bobby?" she asked. "We could all set up home at the cottage over there? Coldcreek Lodge! Abandoned for years, do it up all nice. Me, Mama, Monroe and the boys? Live hand in hand with my Daddy an yers? What a sweet life we could all live together!" She scowled at him.

"Don't be like that Bell," Bobby said, frowning.

"I'm sorry,"

"Okay."

"Just, it's always gonna be like this isn't it? Me all the way over there. You at some school far away, Daddy, Jack and Junior here. Live for what we get? A few weeks in summer when everything is kind of normal?"

"Kind of normal?"

"Happy Days, no arguments cos we don't have time?" she shook her head. "I sound ungrateful."

"You sound confused,"

"I am,"

"About what?"

She laughed at this, "Everything!" she shook her head. "When I'm a home I LOVE my life!"

"That's good."

"When I'm here, I'm frightened to go back."

"Frightened?"

"I can't explain,"

"Try,"

She threw her arms in the air, "All of this will disappear, I won't make my way back the next time. I won't get to see you again!" she wiped her eyes.

"We will always be here," he said, moving towards her. "This place wil still be here,"

"You'll all grow out of me," she said, he put his arm around her. "You get back here at least once a month. Time's are changing fast!"

"You could find the man of your dreams this next year, not want to come back here," she shook her head. "Time passes, yes. But family's don't change, I won't stop loving you, neither will Junior, or my Daddy, or your Daddy. We will just be, older, wiser." he shrugged, pulled her into a tight embrace. "If you want arguments so life feels more stable, I can give them to you!" he chuckled.

"Yeh?" she laughed. "Is that a promise?" she looked at him, tears glistened in her eyes, he nodded. They hugged, then she pulled away, standing up. "Did you bring your trunks?" she asked. He shook his head. "Me neither, I fancy a dip, the sun is getting hot!" She stood. "Underwear will have to do. Close your eyes," she commanded.

"Bell, we've been swimming in this river for as long as I can imagine, in our underwear. What yer think I'm gunna do?"

"Bobby!" She glared at him. He held his hands up and closed his eyes. She stripped to her underwear, folding the pair of jeans and her tshirt. When sh was safely in the water she told him he was safe to join her. "It's cold in here!" she complained. he laughed.

"You make it sound so tempting!" he discarded his t-shirt and joined her, soon they were flicking water at each other and Francine's worries left her head, she was still determined to enjoy herself, wouldn't let the situation at home defeat her. Not here, not now anyway.

**********************************************************

Junior pulled at the telephone wire, trying to make it reach the counter in the kitchen so she could sit down. "I am listening!" she spoke into the phone. "Damn cord is stuck!" she told the person on the other end. She gave up and sat back on the floor where she had been sat before. "Daddy and Jack are gunna be mad at me," she said. "We been on here for near 3 hours!"

"I could say goodbye now?" Kurt said on the other end of the phone.

"I miss you," she said. She looked up as she heard footsteps approaching, she saw Jack's feet coming towards her.

"Miss you too. I can come round tonight?"

"Promise?"

"Yer, will yer Daddy be in?" Kurt asked.

"I'll ask," she told him. She stood once more. "Jack?" she stood behind him, he was looking in the fridge.

"Yer Darlin'?" he asked, looking to her, "how long you been on the phone Junior?" he narrowed his eyes at her.

"Not long," she lied. "Jack, you and Daddy in tonight?"

"Yer, and I know you've been on there a while cos Bobby an' Francine told me you were chatting, before they left, come on, yer Dad'll go mad, you know!?" he took the orange juice from the fridge and took out two glasses. "Yer want a drink?" she shook her head.

"I'm gunna go," she told Kurt. "Daddy will be in, you can still come round,"

"'Bout 5?"

"I'm here all day," she told him, "bye." They hung up.

Jack was stood watching her as she put the phone back onto its stand. "I thought you were going into town?"

"Kurt can't make it," she looked at Jack, taking in the fact for the first time he still wore his bathrobe. "You not well?" she asked.

"Convinced your Daddy we needed a lay-in," he smiled at her. "Seriously Junior, don't make us regret having a second line put in, you're on that thing more than you do anything else. If yer Daddy knew,"

"But I'm in love!" she laughed, grabbing him around his waist. "I'll think on it Jack,"

"Don't just think on it lil girl," Jack laughed, pecking her on her cheek. "I'm gonna get dressed, you got plans for the day? Me and yer Daddy thought we were home alone this morning, we are gunna take a walk down to the back field. If yer wanna come?"

"I have a better plan!" Junior laughed. "You go, I'm gonna stay here, I got some school work to do. I'll clean through the house too. Jody isn't working today, the car was dropped off this morning. I think Simon was taking her out for the day."

"Where?" Jack questionned. Junior shrugged. "If Kurt is coming we could maybe get the barbecue out again? Ellie and Pete are coming with little Annie, will have a full house? What do you think?"

"It will be like a rehearsal party for next week," she moved across to the sink and started running water into the bowl. "If you and Daddy have anything you need putting to wash will you leave it out? I'll collect all the dirty washing, no doubt they'll be a pile waiting in Bobby's room!"

"Yes Ma'am!" Jack laughed, mock saluting her. He left the kitchen and up the stairs, closing the door of the bedroom with his foot and setting the 2 glasses of orange juice down on the side. He looked over to Ennis who was sat on the bed, finally dressed. "Junior is downstairs, been on the phone since before Bobby and Francine left."

"To Kurt?" Ennis looked towards Jack, who had now discarded the bathrobe on the floor and was rummaging through the drawers, butt naked. "Go out dressed in what you're wearing!"

"I think Ted and Lance would have something to say if I wandered out in all my glory!" Jack laughed, he pulled a pair of jeans from the drawer and opened the wardrobe for a shirt. "We got guests tonight, Ellie and Peter are coming, and Junior invited Kurt." he sat on the edge of the bed, pulling on a pair of socks. "These are yours. Damn things are like sandpaper!" he balled them up and threw them at Ennis, who leaned into the drawer beside him and retrieved a soft pair of socks. He made his way to the bottom of the bed, pulling Jack back into his body. He kissed the crease in his neck, his hands palm down clasped together on the smooth skin of Jack's stomach. Ennis sat, legs either side of Jack's body, his hands now expertly running up and down Jack's body, playing with his nipples, his fingers flicking over one and then the other, still kissing his neck, he moved his hands further south, resting in the nest of pubic hair he began massaging Jack's cock, his lips finding their way to Jack's as Jack turned , now kneeling on the bed. They kissed deep, their tongues engaged in battle, Jack's rough skin against Ennis' smooth face. Ennis pulled Jack back, they lay on the bed, both lay on their side, Ennis' clothed body against Jack's naked one. Jack's hands were tugging at the zip of Ennis's jeans, soon he was massaging his cock, Ennis pulling his lips from Jack's to kiss the bare flesh of Jack's upper body. They were massaging each others cocks in unison, Ennis moaning now into Jack's chest, Jack's lips resting on Ennis's hair, they came together, lips meeting once more. "That was good cowboy," Jack said, "though I'm afraid there's a reason you are trying to use all my energy up!?"

"No," Ennis said, "you just always look so good, I can't keep my hands off you," Ennis whispered, he was laid back, Jack lookng at him, resting his head on his hands, one leg flung over Ennis'.

"So you ain't tryin to tell me you wanna stay in bed all day and not bother with the end field?"

"Nope Mister Twist," Ennis laughed, "we cain't keep puttin' it off," he made a move to stand up, kissing Jack before leaving him alone on the bed. Jack fell back onto his back, laying on the bed, naked, lookin' up at him. His dark hair in contrast with the white sheets. Ennis picked a glass from the chest of drawers, the orange juice gone in a matter of seconds. "Did you ask Junior if she was coming out for the walk with us?"

"Yeah, she said she is gonna stay in, do her school work and some cleaning, make the beds," Jack said, he still lay on the bed, arms now behind his head.

"Ahh jeez Jack," Ennis said, "she'll insist on coming in here and cleanin'!"

"Maybe... why?"

"Just, don't like her coming in here, you know, tidyn', goin' through all our stuff,"

Jack looked up at him, grinning "It ain't like we got sex toys under the bed, in the dresser, piled high in the bathroom Ennis! and since when has she "gone through" our stuff? She lives here!" Ennis stood over the bed, is face turning red as Jack said this. "You're blushing 'cos I said 'sex toys'? You're such a woman del Mar! Blushing like a lil girl!" Ennis raised his eyebrows.

"Jus' would prefer Junior not have the opportunity to come across, any of your 'sex toys'!"

"Weren't jus' mine the other night when you were insistin I..."

"Okay darlin' ... 'Our sex toys!'"

"Yep, anyway... Junior is only gunna make the bed, why don't you take the washing down to her?" Jack stood from the bed, pulling on his underwear, he passed Ennis on his way to the bathroom. "I'll see you downstairs!"

"Ok," Ennis stood and collected the laundry from the bathroom. He left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. His footsteps could be heard from the bedroom, running down the stairs.

*********************************************************************************

Bobby was laid on the grass, his head rested on his arms as he lay, letting the sun dry him. Francine was still in the water. They had swum for a while, Bobby now insisting she needed to get out of the water as he was starving. He sat up a little, and watched as Francine began getting out of the lake.

"Turn around Bobby Twist!" she shouted. "Or at least get me a towel!" he stood, retrieving a towel from the small bag they had brought with them and opening it up for her, he closed his eyes as she walked up to him, grabbing the towel and wrapping it around herself.

"You a strange one Bell, makin' me close my eyes, I ain't gunna be lookin' at yer am I?"

"Yer, well. It's my body and I dun't want no one looking at it!" she sat on the grass near where Bobby had laid and looked at him. "How can yer stand there Bob? Just in yer underwear?" she shook her head.

"There's jus' you an' me here! If yer sister was here, I'd be wrapped up well. She'd have some comment to make on me!"

"She ain't like that Bobby,"

"She's dating that Kurt now Bell, an 'older man', she thinks she know's everything, sometime's all she does is say 'Well Kurt does this, Kurt thinks you do that wrong!' no-one is safe from her experienced eye!" he grinned, letting himself fall to the grass next to Francine.

"Since when have you thought on what Junior says?"

"Since she got dumped by Kyle and started dating Kurt, she is a little miss I Know Everything!" Francine laughed.

"Little insecure Bobby?" she glanced at him.

"Nah, only around Alma Junior! I ain't givin' her no ammunition to have a laugh at me!" Bobby said, "anyway, let's get the sandwiches out. I'm starving!" he opened the bag next to him and they sat in silence, eating their sandwiches.

"Fancy a little adventure after this?" Francine asked. Bobby looked at her, "Fancy going for a snoop round Cold Creek Lodge?"

Title: A Life Worth Living
Pairing: Jack/Ennis (Who else)
Rating: I'm not sure how the ratings work! Shall we NC17 to be sure?!
Disclaimer: I own none of these characters (unfortunatly)...(though I do keep them captive in my own imagination to think up various situations I can put them in!) I do however own the ones you don't know...maybe you will grow to love them like I do! I make no money through this. Its for pure piece of mind only!
Summary: I'm starting sappy, there will be angst... probably..
Feedback: Please, although I'm scared of what you will say
Notes:This is my first attempt at starting, and continuing a story in this fandom. I think about the boys as much as my life will let me. I love all the stories posted here and I hope you will enjoy my own little take on That Sweet Life!

Chapter One: Such a Perfect day. 1982



The sun shone down on the grass embankment, the small stream glistened in the sunshine, anyone would have been forgiven for mistaking the stillness of the water for a mirror placed directly under the suns rays. The water wouldn’t stay still for long though as soon 3 pairs of feet waded into the shallow water to cool down.

Laughter filled the air around them, and occasional shouts of baiting came from the boy’s lips, he obviously enjoying the game of catch they had become involved in, his jibing came as new and exciting to the two girls as Christmas did each year, instead of taking to heart what words the boy spoke to them they giggled and hid their blushes from him, he was a pain, but a loveable one. He was after all, their brother.

Set aside from the stream, and from the game of catch, was a picnic blanket, a picnic basket sat opened and emptied on the grass. Plastic plates and cups were piled high on the fishing chair next to the blanket, and the occupants of the blanket lay next to each other, one curled into the other, both taking in the sun shine that didn’t come that often. The children’s parents, eyes closed, oblivious to the world around them, for once in their lives aware of only each other and their children. Taking no time to imagine the world still turned outside of this small haven they had created for themselves that day, and no one to try and convince them that any other world even existed.

A scream startled the pair on the picnic blanket who shot up to witness a civil game of catch had somehow developed into a water fight, the stream the obvious choice of ammunition. The eldest girl, who was 17, stood on one side of the stream, her clothes sodden, the boy and the other girl, both of who were 15 in age, on the other, both chuckling while launching more water at her. To watch the young members of this family interacting in this way you would be led to assume this was a normal summers day for them all, when in fact this was the one thing on all their minds that they could never imagine themselves been involved in.

Settling back onto the picnic blanket Ennis raised his arm up so Jack could rest his head once more on Ennis’ chest. They lay like this for some time longer, letting the silence engulf them, Jack’s hand rested on Ennis’ middle, Ennis hand on the bottom of Jack’s back. They both lay with their eyes shut. The world seemed golden to them, like a dream they had reached out to and were able to touch. Dreams like this were few and far between, and both had never been more grateful for the power of dream.

Jack felt a trickle of water creep from his forehead to his cheek, then another, he opened his eyes to see Junior stood over him, a small cup in her hand, letting droplets of water fall onto his face, when she saw his face relax into a smile she let the water tumble from the beaker, then screeching with laughter she ran off. He sat upright, his face and t-shirt now wet. He nudged Ennis who sat up and laughed at the sight of Jack.

“Come on! Help me!” Jack said, also laughing. They both stood, barefoot and strode to the stream, loading their weapons of choice; Jack had picked a large jug, while Ennis had hold of two beakers. Filled up and ready for the attack both men chased down the now giggling eldest girl.

Quite some time later they found themselves sat back on the blanket, alongside Junior, Bobby and Francine. They all took it in turns to drink from the 2 litre bottle of homemade lemonade.

“We should head back soon,” Ennis said, he had his legs stretched out in front of him; Francine sat between his legs, resting her back against his chest.

“Don’t ruin it Daddy!” Junior said. “It has been such a perfect day!” she snuggled closer to Jack’s side, the sun had gone behind a cloud and the wet clothes clung to her body, sending shivers down her spine.

“We only have to go back to the ranch; we can set up a barbecue on the back porch. We aren’t ready for this day to be over either!” Jack laughed. “Bobby back at school soon, Francine going back to yer Mama’s. This is how we wish it would be you know.”

“We know Dad,” Bobby said, “It’s an unsatisfactory situation!” he mimicked his father’s voice. “We all live to deal with this though, and we know we are here, no matter what!”

“Yeah,” Francine said, pulling Ennis’ arms around her. “It feels good been back in Riverton telling all the girls my brother is at a posh school, wants to study to be a Doctor, and feels good to come here, to see you all. This is my home, I know that, but I love my Mama, I could never leave her alone with those boys back there!”

“We’d never ask you to darlin’ “Ennis hugged his youngest daughter closer to him, their wet clothes baring no barrier as they sat even closer together. “As long as you know there will always be a bed for you here,”

“You’re talking like she’s leaving tomorrow En!” Jack exclaimed, squeezing Juniors shoulder, “and she’s not, she’s here for another week or so!”

“Come on,” Ennis made a move to stand up, “lets get packed up before we all burst into song or something!” he laughed. He and Bobby began packing the truck while Jack and the girls stayed sat on the blanket, not wanting to move.

"Come on Jack, we have to get back. Jody'll be waitin' to get home, we didn't leave no key," Ennis stood over the blanket, he held an arm out to help one of them up, Junior came up first, then Francine and finally Jack, they stood, holding onto each other just for a few moments before breaking their touch. Looking to the truck Jack saw all the teenagers who in the back seat, waiting.

"I'll drive," Jack announced. He climbed behind the steering wheel, Ennis threw the blanket and joined Jack on the front seat. As he pulled the truck away Ennis took hold of Jack's hand and they sat in silence on the drive home, the 5 of them deep in their own thoughts.

*******************************************

By the time they arrived back at the J&E Fiver's Ranch the sun had set for the day, the temperature had dropped and inside the truck the passengers had become much more animated. The house sat at the top of a long winding drive, the front porch light was lit, illuminating the swing seat by the front door, a pair of work boots sat by the entrance on the dark wooden flooring. The graveled drive crunched under the wheels of the truck. As the truck stopped outside the house Bobby was the first to jump out of the truck, his feet scrambling on the gravel as he ran for the front door. He was followed by the girls, leaving Jack and Ennis to slowly get ut of the cab and make their way indoors.

"Bloody typical, think we are gonna bring all the stuff in!" Ennis grumbled, Jack took his hand.

"They can do it in the morning, I am fixin for a quick meal and early bed!" Jack announced as they walked through the front door.

"Oh really?" Ennis questioned, grinning. He kicked his shoes off and with his foot pushed them to near the shoe rack.

"Really," Jack said, he moved his lips to Ennis' ear. "The kids have decieded they want to put the tent up on the grass out back, I figure we can take full advantage of an empty house!" He kissed Ennis' ear before wandering into the kitchen.

Ennis stood for a moment, looking around the living room, taking a moment to realise this was all theirs. He looked to the couch, with its dark red trimming and cream coloured cushions, and looked down to his left foot, remembering the toe he had broken, moving the damn thing for the millionth time at Jack's say so because, in Jack's own words "the positionin' wain't quite right." In front of the couch sat a pine table, piled high with magazines and school books. the couch also faced the television, which sat on a pine wooden unit. The only other furniture that stood in the room was a reclining matching chair and 3 lamps, all of which were lit, creating a soft lighting in the room. Ennis grinned to himself and climbed the stairs that were situated just right of the front door.

In the kitchen Jack was leaning against the cooker, talking to Jody. She had worked as their housekeeper for 5 of the 7 years Jack and Ennis had owned the ranch.

"So it was a good day?" she asked, taking a seat at the breakfast table.

"It was an amazing day. Ennis actually let me snuggle up to em afta we ad had dinn'r. Can yer believe it? I think he's beginn'ng to realise the kids don' care, ya know? They aware of who we are."

"I think he's coming on leaps an' bounds ya know!" Jody smiled. "I noticed this mornin' he was lookin' at yer, all dopey eyed!"

"Who's dopey eyed?" Bobby asked, from the door way. He joined Jody at the table.

"Ennis," Jody smiled at him.

"'An don't we know it? He's getting all soppy." Bobby laughed. "It must be an age thing?" he winked at Jody who smiled at him.

"Me an him the same age!" Jack threw a dish cloth at him.

"Hmm...in yer golden years?" Bobby laughed, he stood up. "I'm gunna get the tent out, me an' the girls are gunna stay out there tonight." He left through the back door, slamming the out house doors has he looked for the tent.

In the kitchen Jack had now sat by Jody, a packet of biscuits between them. "You wanna stay for some dinner?"

"Simon's expecting me.At home. Promised me a romantic night in!"

"Oh really? An' 'ow long you two been togetha?"

"It'll be 4 years, can ya believe it?"

"Nah, I can't. Seems not two minutes that you were around here all the time, pre-Simon, before Junior moved here and when Bobby was at the local school, not this special boarding one. My own lil cherub."

"You and Ennis took me in, when me Daddy chucked me out." Jody touched Jack's hand with her own. "You were both so kind. Still are."

"We dun nothing more tha anyone else would'a done. You are one special girl, a woman now. you're what? 28?"

"An' still here. Still breathing, if it wasn't for you and Ennis, I dunno."

"Please lil girl. We would never ave let you be anywhere but here with us." Jack stood and pulled the young woman into a tight embrace. "You need a lift home?"

"You won't have time to, you got a family to feed." She smiled into his chest. "Thanks Jack."

"Ok sweetheart. Take the car, I don't want you walking home, not tonight." Jack kissed the top of her head.

"You sure?"

"I'm positive," they broke away from the cuddle. "Go on then, Simon will be waiting. Don't forget that you need to tell him about our party next week." She nodded. Jack handed the keys to her that he kept in his pocket. "I'll tell Ennis you said g'bye." She left through the back door, picking her coat and bag from the hooks near the door.

Jack set about getting the food ready for their dinner, soon he was joined in the kitchen by Junior and Francine. Junior helped preparing the meat while Francine let herself blend into the background.

On the back porch Bobby was setting the barbecue up, he had the pull out table set up, and had brought out the small radio from the kitchen. After he had finished he joined the others in the kitchen.

"it's set Dad, you just need to leave it 10 minutes and it'll be ready for cooking!" Bobby announced, taking a glass from the cupboard and pouring himself a drink. "Where's Ennis?"

"Still upstairs," Jack said, "someone wanna get him?"

"I'll go," said Bobby.

Twenty minutes later and they were all outside, Jack and Ennis were drinking beer. Ennis had taken charge of the barbecue and Jack was, at that moment, stood, trying to get Junior to join him in a dance.

"Come on Junior, make this old man happy!"

"Yer not old!" Ennis grumbled. "That makes me old, and I am most definately not old!"

"Ah, well then, in that case, you can dance with me!"

"You havin' a laugh rodeo?" Ennis looked at him, "Junior, dance with the man,"

"Oh, go on then," Junior stood and let Jack lead her in dance, soon Bobby had Francine up on her feet. The music was turned up and Ennis let the food sit for a while, settling back into the comfy chair. Watching his family. "Dance with us Daddy!"

"Nah, I'ma sit here. Watch you all make fools of yourself!" he chuckled to himself. "You all mad, dancing like you at a dance hall?!"

"Come on Ennis," Jack smiled, he held an hand out to his man. Ennis surprised everyone by taking Jack's hand and letting him lead him into a slow dance, before letting him go and taking Junior back in his arms.

"I'm off to the toilet, when I come back, it will be ready!" Ennis warned. He pushed the door to the kitchen open, and Jack watched him disappear into the house.

*******************************************

The pots had been washed and were sat at the sink, waiting to be dried. The tent was up and the kids were sat outside, drinking root beer and chatting loudly.

Ennis and Jack were in the lounge, both lay on the sofa, watching the television.

"I'm ready for bed cowboy," Jack whispered into Ennis' ear.

"Ok sweetpea, you go turn the bed down, I'ma go make sure those kids get themselves into the tent, don't want em up all night."

"Leave em En, let them have their fun. You know they will be okay. Bill and Ted are workin thru the night, nothing will happen. Damn nothin ever happens." Jack kissed the back of Ennis' neck. "Come on Cowboy, I need our bed." he kissed Ennis' neck once more.

"You getting me all riled up lil darlin' " Ennis turned on the sofa, meeting his lips with Jack's. Jack's hands crept inside Ennis's shirt. His tongue clashed with Ennis'. Ennis felt Jack's hands move to his denim clad ass. The kiss grew more intense.

"Arg, Dad, Ennis, I leave you alone for 10 minutes," Bobby stood in the doorway. They quickly pulled apart. Ennis falling to the floor.

"Bobby!" Jack exclaimed, he sat up, helpin Ennis to his feet. Bobby chuckled. "You were supposed to be out all night."

"Call a nature!" Bobby laughed.

"Toilet is upstairs," Ennis mumbled.

"Ah come on the two of you. Like I've never seen you kiss? We moved here when I was 8!"

"Not somethin' you need to see," Jack mumbled.

"Stop been a prude," Bobby said. Ennis laughed. "You're laughing? Ennis del Mar is laughing?" Bobby asked.

"Yer I'm laughing. You calling yer Daddy a prude?" Ennis shook his head. "He's not a prude Bobby, just a caring Daddy." Ennis sat on the sofa next to Jack and took his hand.

"We don't mind, you know?" Bobby said, he moved into the room a little more.

"You don't mnd what?" Ennis asked.

"You and Dad, we know you do your cuddling and stuff nowadays when we are there. Take today, we know it took lots for you to be like that. Me and the girls, we spoke about it tonight. I think its brilliant you are starting to show how proud you are of been together."

"You've got it wrong there bud," Jack said, "we ave always been proud of been together."

"Well then," Bobby said. "Me and the girls, we say we know who you are and where you sleep. Have dun for near'n 8 years. An yeah, it was wierd to start but my Mama kisses Jerry in front of me. Junior and Francine's mama kisses Monroe. I love the two of you and love the fact you have been able to give me 2 sisters!" Bobby walked to the sofa. "Just bear it in mind huh?"

"Will do Bobby," Ennis and Jack both said at the same time. Bobby bent and hugged the two of them.

"I'm going to the toilet now, then going to babysit the girls." He disappeared up the stairs.

"We got told huh?" Ennis asked. Jack nodded. "Come on then Mister Twist, let me get you up them stairs!"

*******************************************

Closing the door behind him Jack looked over to Ennis who was now sat on the bed. Jack flipped the light switch off as he walked towards him and put the lamp on next to their bed.

Ennis pulled Jack towards him, and their lips met once more. Jack’s cotton shirt soon fell to the floor revealing his muscular chest, Ennis’ hands roaming, making his way to the waistband of Jack’s jeans.

“Thank you Cowboy,” Jack whispered into Ennis’ curls as Ennis kissed his neck.

“For what?” Ennis pulled away, looking into Jack’s eyes.

“For today,” Jack said, he tugged at Ennis’ shirt until it became untucked and herose from his knees, pulling the shirt over Ennis’ head and pushing him back onto the bed. “I love you boy,”

“Oh lil darlin;!” Ennis exclaimed, “me too.” They began kissing again, soon they were both naked. Their skin tones complemented each others. Jack’s hands expertly ran down Ennis’ sides, his tongue exploring Ennis’ body beginning at the crease in his neck and following a familiar trail down, passing his chest, pausing for a moment to cares his rock hard nipples, before journeying further south. His lips finally meeting Ennis’ cock, the familiar tastes of his man sending tingles through his tastes bud, as he worked his mouth and tongue up and down he felt Ennis’ hands running through his hair, his legs becoming tense beneath him.

“Jack…I’m gunna…..slow down sweetpea…I can feel …I’m gonna” Ennis groaned, his fingers curling into fists in Jack’s black hair. Jack looked up at him, “jus’ take it slow baby, I wan’ this to last,”

“Ooh Mr. del Mar,” Jack whispered, “you becoming an old romantic?”

“Always have been, for you at any rate!” Ennis said and moaned once more as Jack’s head once more ducked back down. Jack’s tongue could work wonders, Ennis knew that, tonight was no exception. His body twitched and jerked as he almost touched his climax, and Ennis felt himself once more thank god for his life as he finally succumbed, soon Jack’s mouth was on his. He tasted himself in Jack, and felt his cock twitch once more as he flipped Jack over and began kissing and caressing, all the way down Jack’s smooth back. His hand reaching to the bedside cabinet as he grabbed the KY.

It was an hour or so later and they both lay in bed, Ennis snuggled into Jacks body. The bed sheet was over them, covering Ennis to his waist, on Jack the sheet fell loosely over him, covering his left leg and just skimming over his pubic area, his right leg was left uncovered. They were kissing. Ennis hand was gently stroking Jack’s cheek. He broke away, looking at Jack and smiling, biting his bottom lip.

“What’s on your mind Rodeo?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Jack said, “come on, lets sleep.” He reached to the bed side lamp and switched it off. He pulled the covers over them and they shared a kiss before Jack turned his back into Ennis, wrapping his arms around him.

“It has been a perfect day,” Ennis whispered, Jack pulled Ennis’ arms round him tighter and moments later they were both sleeping.

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First post in a while and I'm feeling low low low

At work and it's a pain..the only escape I seem to get is to check for updates on various sites... How dull is that?

Sick of been at work and getting flack for things that aren't even anything to do with me! Feels like my brain will explode....

Life at home is good though....maybe quiet but definatly good...

Oh for the days when I was a kid!! Life was so much more simple... and I always believed at this stage in my life I would be married and have a couple of babies and an adoring husband! Oh for the dreams!!


As I said though...life is good.. I kinda like been able to come and go as I please... Things have never been so easy to escape from since I started driving.. Oh for the drive along a nice smooth road, pitch black with only the radio for company... Those are the moments I realise life could be worse... Could be different...


Oh jeez I just read this back and it makes no, or little, sense...I'm off now... BYEEEEEEEEEE

Every Star

Baby black sky
Black sky is all I see
Yeah baby black sky
Black sky is all I see
Please stand beside me baby
Shine your light for me.

Well I been all around the world
Ain’t nothin’ I ain’t seen
From the Mekong River to the
San Joaquin
I made it down to Helena
But it’s just a ghost town
And I got to Jackson
But they tore old Jackson down.

Yeah I been around the world
Black sky is all I see
Why don’t you stand beside me baby
Shine your light for me.

Baby well I went to the graveyard
To see my friend one last time
People gathered ‘round
Some were prayin, some were cryin’
They were talkin’ about heaven
And the final judgement day
But all I could do was say goodbye to him
Turn and walk away.

Yeah I went to the graveyard
But black sky was all I seen
Please stand beside me baby
Shine your light for me.

I wake up every mornin’
Try the best I can
To make it one more day
In a world I don’t understand
Now the sun baby’s shinin’
But there’s darkness on the land
And I can’t find my way baby
Unless you take my hand.

Yeah I, I wake up every mornin’ baby
Black sky is all I see
Please stand beside me baby
Shine your light for me.

Yeah black sky
Black sky is all I see
Please shine your light pretty baby
Take this black sky away from me.

Jack rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and pulled out of the motel car park, he was cold from the bitter weather that had fallen over them that winter and no matter how many layers he seemed to wear all he felt was cold, his hands frozen on the steering wheel even though he had only just left the warm motel room. He pulled his coat around him some more and switched the radio off, playing damn country songs in the middle of the night, love songs that left him feeling lonely and wishing he had someone to hold, the words of all the songs cutting him like knives as he tried to nurse his broken heart. He had left Lureen, promised that Bobby would be a part of his life always but told her he didn’t love her like she deserved, no fight had been put up and she had no question to be left unanswered he had packed a few things into his case, told her he would arrange for divorce papers to be sent through to her and decided to move on to Lightning Flats, bed down with his folks until his life sprang back into action. He had been driving for hours, his stop at the motel was taken in hope rest would come, and he had slept for a couple of hours, but his sleep was restless. He hated how his life had turned out and the only thing keeping him going the long road ahead of him, answers may well lay ahead, ever the optimist even in these darks days.

He would eventually drive up the driveway to his parents house, his Ma would greet him and he would sleep, his Dad would ask questions, about why he son was gonna be staying and his Ma would quieten him down. Everything wouldn’t be okay but Jack wanted some warmth in the comfort of his Mother’s arms. At 39 years of age, he laughed to hisself, he needed his Momma’s love, more than he had ever needed anyone’s.

After he had been at his parents house for a few days Jack was feeling a little more leveled, his head wasn’t pounding quite so loud in his head anymore and his body was able to keep food down, for the first time in weeks. He couldn’t sleep though, his sleep was interrupted by thoughts of that last encounter with Ennis, his mind playing the conversation over and over, Ennis fallen to the floor, his face covered in tears, no words could be exchanged to mean anything of any value to either of them, he knew Ennis wouldn’t say his true feelings, his mouth had twisted every which way when he went to talk and the only sound that came out of his mouth a mound of words too complicated to comprehend, still listing why it wouldn’t work, why they could never be together and so he had told him to leave, time was precious and they had spent too much of it hurting each other, just leave so they could both live their lives. Ennis had driven away, Jack had stood staring, and wondering what direction his life would take.

Now, it seemed this was it.

Every Star

Ennis del Mar was a lonely soul. He was lonely and cold and his body itched for comfort and love. His hands were burnt from the cold, his hair like ice on his arms, all he could do was curse the cold. Curse the way he was living his life and cast his mind away to a warmer place, the only place he had ever wanted to be, spooning with Jack Twist, holding him close and sweeping all the world away so all that was left was Jack and him, a blanket for comfort and enough love to keep them both warm for all eternity.

Instead he pulled his blanket around him and closed his eyes to the cold, dark night. His mind was filled with "if only's." He remembered every conversation he and Jack had ever had, his mind in overload as to how he could have changed things. If only he had responded differently to the first goodbye they had had to endure all those years ago. When he was helping Jack get the truck running again what if he had never walked away? He wouldn't have Junior or Francine but life would have been different, would it have been better? He wasn't the kind of father his two angels deserved anyway.If only in the motel room, after those long four years of been apart he had responded differently to Jack's admission, "I red-lined it all the way here, I couldn't get here fast enough." What if he had said what he had been feeling what if his stubborn mind and mouth had given way to his heart and he had managed to speak those words, "I missed you so damn much Jack, every breath I took those 4 years we were apart I took in hope they were bringing me one moment closer to you. When the post card came I couldn't replt fast enough and hope my two simple words "You bet!" told you so much more than that. How I ached to see you everyday and my body spasmed that first glimpse I had of you after so long.. I knew at that moment of looking at you how I wanted it to be. Me and you always." What if he had took the time to think what would make Jack happy,what if his life had held a different purpose and everything that he wanted to care about so openly he had taken the time to do so? What if he had cared for Jack when he was sick, rather than look at it as a missed oppourtunity for them to be together? Every question he asked himself opened a whole world of others. In the end he had one question left:- What if he never saw him again? His life was hardly worth a buck, it would be worth less if he never saw his angel again, why did he realsie this now? f all those events hadn't happened would he be living life differently now? All his encouters with Jack continued to end the same and he felt nothing but sorrow for the pain he knew he had caused.

It seemed an age since he had turned down that sweet life for the last time, and now he lay in the cab of his pick-up with nothing to show for his life but tears of despair and a banged out old pick up, the gas tank filled with nothing but air. How was he supposed to make it right with Jack when he had broken down in the middle of no where? How was life meant to be right? He would ask himself this a million times over, now when he had decided everything was nothing without Jack "fucking" Twist in his life. He closed his eyes tight and remembered that last time Jack had held him, his eyes had stung with tears as he fell to the floor and Jack caught him. His only support system in the only person in the world who understood him better than he could ever understand himself. Laying in the cold cab was like punishment for him, and no more than he deserved, this was the thought that span round his head. He had spent too much time in his life regretting decisions, from been a child to his momens on Brokeback with Jack when he had done everything in his power to destroy the growing relationship right there, this was how he saw his life to end, a fitting tribute to the cold and harsh life he had made Jack endure, so he clenched his eyes shut and willed on the inevitable, his tears stinging his eyes and his own sobs the music of what he thought should be his final minutes.

Am on my bro's laptop so spelling mistakes are a plenty, will sort them later

Hiya :-)

I'm at work, bloody systems have all gone down!!

I just wanted to say hello :-) To myself I think since noone knows this page exists apart from me!! It's crazy. I'm knackered, slept for a long time last night, woke up this morning feeling really tired and wanting to hid under my duvet for another couple of hours!!

Mum and Dad go away on Friday so I'm a tad anxious about that. I'm always negative about studd like this, rather than been happy for them I can't rest until I know they have arrived safely. Maybe that's the norm? I dunno, it's scary isn't it? Life? I'm like argh! about it all.

I think my house is haunted, so I don't like been in there by myself. I hear noises and I think I'm going mad, but it is a big house to be in there all alone, so I have an excuse for my paranoia!! I tell myself that in hope it will ring true!! lol

Look at me!! Acting like some crazy person. When in fact I am happy, I have a gorgeous nephew and love my family and my life to pieces. I wake up most mornings and feel blessed to be me, and blessed to have my family.

I'll write later...Got work to do!!

XxX Becks XxX

Hello,

Its the first time I've looked at putting something in here, so bear with me :-)

My name's Bex, I'm 22 and I live in Mansfield, Nottinghamshire.

I'm not sure what I want from this, maybe I'll find out in a couple of months!!

So, I was at work today, worked my normal hours 8.30am - 4.30pm. Had my driving lesson at 1pm, it was ok I suppose. I just want to get in for my test and pass and be able to do all those things that I can't do. Drive myself to work! To the shops! It's something I wish I had done years ago. I suppose it will just make it even more special.

I work in a small office, based over here in the UK. There's only 4 of us work in the office, with the UK Manager working from home and 2 other guys working from York and Essex. It's good, it means that my boss is my Mum! She is the office supervisor, she's the reason I got the job. I love it. It's hard work and sometimes the stuff I do is tedious but it pays well, and makes me smile. Let's just say I don't dread work on a morning.

I think I'm gonna use this space to write about all the random things that go off in my head. I think it's a good a place as any to try and figure out what everything means!!

I'll start telling you about my "craziness" tomorrow. I think I'll just creep myself out if I start now, you'll see what I mean when I tell you all about it later!!

Anyways I gotta do some housework. Oh joy :-)

XXXX Bex XXXX